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Devadasi
Chapter Listing
Chapter XV
Meena sat at home day after day without saying much. She thought of her
past and wondered about her future. When she decided to leave Udayar so
suddenly, she had thought he would come to her, explain how it all happened,
plead with her, and then she would go back to him. Her self-respect had
demanded that she should leave and her mother's cunning persuasion had the
desired effect. But when he did not turn upand her motherhad said that he
had not she put the worst construction on everything.
As time went on, she began to wonder, was her mother right ? Was she herself
wrong to have tried to give up the tradition of her caste, give up her life
of ecstasy and degradation, and seek a life of domesticity and mediocrity ?
Was God punishing her for her sin of not keeping her vows of dedication to
the temple ? Were all her prayers in so many temples, were all her special
pujas, in vain ? She thought of the brief but blissful happiness she had
enjoyed with Udayar Was that enough for one, long lifetime ? Was she ultimately
going to end up like her mother, without money without self-respect, crying
before the tradesman and the-priest ? Then she thought of Udayar. How could he
be so cruel ? And so deceitful ? It was so much out of character with him. He
was blunt, straight forward sort of man, not who would deliberately hide
things in order to get what he wanted. And yet, Subban was not the lying
type.
One day when-her mother was not at home, she asked Subban and questioned him.
' What was Udayar's wife like.? Was she beautiful ? '
But Subban was confused and incoherent. ' I don't know Amma, I didn't
look at her properly. But she seemed very fair in colour.'
' Did she live in a big house ? '
' Her father is the biggest land owner in that village. Their house is the
largest.'
If she was fair and rich, what hope had Meena of retaining the affection of
a Man against such a wife ? He was sure to go back to her. Perhaps he had
already gone back. Perhaps her mother was right. Men were fickle and you could
not trust them, especially if you had no legal or moral hold over them. If he
was really fond of her, why had he not come to see her ? That her mother might
have lied about his not coming never struck Meena. Why had he not sent even a
message ? Perhaps he thought that she had left him for a totally different
reason. May be she had acted hastily, without thinking. If she could only
know why he had not told her about the marriage !
She felt sick with grief. How was she going to live? Where was the money to
come from? Only nine months ago, she was a young girl with worries no greater
than the perfection of her dance steps. How quickly things had changed ! It
was fate, she told herself. That was an explanation for everything, almost a
consolation. She resigned herself to her destiny. ' God will find a way ',
she thought. Perhaps, it was all a punishment for some sins she had committed
in her former life.
Muthu had the responsibility of looking after a pregnant daughter. She had
never reconciled herself to Meena giving up her dancing. When she found that
Udayar was married, it gave Muthu a golden opportunity to take her daughter
away from her lover. It was a great thing she was doing, for her tradition,
for her community and for God. But she had not bargained on Meena being
pregnant. This introduced a totally unforeseen and unfortunate complication.
She had taken the responsibility for looking after child and now herself
unable to do so. She could no longer borrow money on the strength of her
daughter's charms. What was she to do ? How was she to manage ? she felt
perhaps she had acted in a hurry and she should not have sent away Udayar as
she did.
Swallowing her pride without informing Meena, she went to see him at
Mr. Chettiar's house where he used to stay previously. But he was not there.
So she left a message that he should at least come to her house or send for
her. There was no reply, so she called again.
' I gave your message to Mr. Udayar, but he doesn't wish to see you', the
servant said sympathetically.
Muthu wondered whether she ought to tell him about Meena's condition. But
after Meena's objections, she was afraid to do so. She merely said ' Please
tell him it is very important and concerns him personally.'
The servant was soon back. ' No he won't see you.'
' Is he angry ? '
' Yes.'
' What did he say ? '
The servant hesitated.
' Tell me please.'
' He said he has had enough of ungrateful whores.'
There was nothing else for Muthu to do after those words but to depart.
The old routine started again. Borrowing money from friends and neighbours,
running up debts with the tradesmen, cringing before some of her old paramours
who were now either too old or had gone to some other women, trying desperately
to make both ends meet. Only, now it was more difficult. During the brief
period of prosperity when Muthu had security, she had been rude to many people,
taunted them for their behaviour, and now that she was in difficulties, they
were in no mood to help her. But then, she was used to such a life. She was
a creature of the moment, spending money lavishly when she had it, and
scrounging from others when she hadn't. She had known no other way of life.
Not so Meena. Her mother had provided her with some sort of security in her
childhood and she had known what it was to be free from want and to be protected.
She still attached great importance to her self-respect. And she watched with
anguish her mother's futile struggle to keep the home going, helplessly.
The few valuable things in the house which had been acquired during the
brief prosperity of the past months went one by one. Even the small
stipend from the temple to which Meena would normally have been entitled
was not available because she had officially given up her rights as a
temple dancer. Things were becoming more and more difficult.
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